REVIEW : Jupiter Ascending (2015)

Oh boy. If there ever was a train-wreck, it'd probably look something like Jupiter Ascending. I had pretty high hopes when I saw the first trailer, but dread started to set in as a few more of them came out and by the time I went into the cinemas, I wasn't really sure where to set my expectations at.

Too much space? Kindda.

I'm not sure where to start with explaining how Jupiter Ascending works. But I'm going to try my best to make the plot summary not convoluted. So here we go:

Mila Kunis plays Jupiter Jones whose astrology may tell her that she was born destined for greater things, but in in reality she is stuck with waking up at 4.45am every day for a job that involves scrubbing other people's toilets. But as it turns out, her genetic code happens to be exactly the same as the late Abrasax matriarch, which makes her a royalty and heir to the Earth. The movie calls this phenomenon a 'Recurrence'. 

Now the Abrasax family are really more like capitalist royalties than (actual) royalties, whose business involves harvesting living beings to produce regenerative youth serums that would allow them to live forever. In the case of Earth, humans are the ones that are to be harvested. After the death of the matriarch, the Abrasax family is survived by three members: Balem (Eddie Redmayne), Kalique (Tuppence Middleton) and Titus (Douglas Booth). Earth, being the more valuable planet of them all, is inherited by Balem (that is without Jupiter in the picture) while the other two siblings are left pining over it. In short, they all pretty much hate each other.

Naturally, everything is set off balance when Jupiter enters the picture. Now Balem wants her killed, Kalique wants to be "friends" with her, and Titus wants to marry her. All of them send their own hunters to track her down, and the one that Titus sends is none other than half-human, half-wolf Caine Wise(Channing Tatum).

Still with me?

Caine Wise (Tatum) here to save the day. Swoosh.

At times, Jupiter Ascending feels like the directors, The Wachowskis, decided it would be a good idea (it's not) to take elements from every fantastical space movies out there, from Thor to Guardians of the Galaxy to Star Wars and maybe even Star Trek, and condense them into one single movie. No doubt that the world they've imagined and created is rich, but sometimes it feels overbearing. And instead of letting the audience explore the world themselves, all subtlety is thrown out of the window as we're spoonfed with dialogue explaining in detail how everything works, coupled with space-fantasy lingo scattered everywhere. Let's just say, the expositions are just eugh.

Save for a few funny one-liners, the writing in Jupiter Ascending really isn't that great. Characters in this film are as typical and two-dimensional as they can be. Jupiter being the typical female lead heroine who acts like she's a twelve-year-old girl; Caine being the typical broody, badass hero with a dark past and skeletons in his closets; Balem being that quiet Big Evil that has very loud outbursts once in a while; and Titus being the Ken doll lookalike who hides a knife behind that smile. The love story between Caine and Jupiter is cringe-worthy, all thanks to the corny lines that Mila Kunis has to deliver. I still shudder when I think of it. 

Douglas Booth needs to bring his beard back ASAP

I'm not going to lie, when the movie first began, I thought it was pretty decent. It captured my interest for about a half hour or so, and then things just went downhill. I don't remember how many times I've caught myself yawning, or cringing, or thinking to myself, 'Why does Jupiter seem so calm and okay with this? I don't imagine how anyone could so easily accept something so bizarre in such a short time.' There may have been a couple of times when I just threw my hands into the air and whispered 'For the love of god'. However, when I REALLY think about it, the plot is actually quite okay. It's as bad as what was shown on screen. But it's the horrific writing that makes it almost un-watchable. Who knows, maybe if the same thing was put in the hands of some other writer and director, perhaps Jupiter Ascending could have turned out decent.

The only thing that's really worth praising I guess are of course the CGI special effects which are definitely impressive, such as a few large scenes on a magnificent scale. The sets are of course grand, especially in the case of Titus's and Kalique's respective space homes. Gotta give the set designers props(geddit?) for that. Not only that, some of the costumes worn in this film were beautiful, from Jupiter's gown you see in the trailer to Titus's sleek suits, to Kalique's dress that slightly reminds me of Taylor Swift's during the Grammys.

But really, the writing in Jupiter Ascending completely ruined it. Trust me, besides the fantastical space elements and cool CGI, this movie has nothing to impress. Well, save for maybe a topless Channing Tatum. That's always a welcome.

Who needs clothes when you're Channing Tatum? Amirite or amirite?

Oh, by the way. Sean Bean's in this movie too, if you don't know, and spoiler alert: he doesn't die.

I rate it : 3/10 stars

THE GOOD : Cool CGI, set designs and costumes are nice.

THE BAD : Bad, bad writing which results in bad everything, e.g : characters, storyline, dialogue etc.

WATCH IT IF YOU...

• ...are a true fan of the fantasy sci-fi action genre
• ...don't mind being spoonfed with explanations on how everything works in movieland.
• ...can stand corny dialogue. And when I mean corny, I mean a total cringefest. 
• ...are in the mood for a terrible movie.

JUPITER ASCENDING (2015) 

Genre: Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Action

Runtime : 127 minutes
Director : Lana Wachowski , Andy Wachowski

Cast :  Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne, Tuppence Middleton, Douglas Booth